CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Day 2 of my diet
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this