@EricGoldie: Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
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@just1fool: If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.
@Smooheed: Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
@Darlainky: [liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.