the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.