*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”