After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
concern
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Aaaa…CHOO!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did