Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”