[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*skinny dips into black hole
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.