[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect