crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.