My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
japanese corn
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.