Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You learn something every day
.. do you even science?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Nice try, poison.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.