“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit