Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
You Might Also Like
They got Raph!
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
This trial is so absurd 😭