Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
You Might Also Like
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Just so funny
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.