You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
This kid is going places
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.