Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My wedding will be open casket.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.