@becabird: Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Death_Buddy: Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
@ItsAndyRyan: "Everyone has at least one novel inside them" – Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
@TheMichaelRock: *texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
@JohnLyonTweets: I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.