Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.