name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings