CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?