Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.