Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
adding to the discourse
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]