Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.