*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
just left a huge legacy in there
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT