cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters