Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?