Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Just why bro?!
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
New Tinder profile.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?