Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.