Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
This week’s mood.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.