CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.