customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.