Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion