[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
set yourself free xox
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway