If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.