Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
This is my bus stop.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try