Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Nice try Hitler
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.