i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You Might Also Like
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.