[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Welcome
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators