@BromanConsul: cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@QwertyJones3: "Dog Detective, how can I help you?" MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN'T FIND IT "Did you check his hand?" NO HE THREW IT ALR... oh wait
@hazelmotes1: My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.
@WilliamAder: Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.
@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.