@BromanConsul: cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now
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@thedailymarker: My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn't like so we don't have to share.
@Elizasoul80: Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I'll cut their legs off too.
@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words