I feel it
You Might Also Like
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*