The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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PARKOUR
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Salad is the decaf of food.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
#FunnyLife Insects
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.