@radtoria: Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
@BuckyIsotope: I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
@TheTweetOfGod: St. Patrick's Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
@Samzen_: Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
@thatUPSdude: Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.
@CornOnTheGoblin: scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit