“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
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Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”