@radtoria: Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
@TheToddWilliams: My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
@pmclellan: I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I've had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
@poopidoop: Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
@thenatewolf: *Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest "The Sound of Music" fan on earth, bro.
@THK1965: Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.