Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.