Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.