[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]