*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.