Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.