I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect