BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“No way.” -Jose
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Europe. Made in Germany.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really