CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*pronounces fake like saké*
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Who chose this font
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.