CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
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My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
had to make it
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.