Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
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Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not